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The live-action Lilo & Stitch movie is here, and one brave Outposter has taken one for the team LMO. Who is this brave adventurer? This online warrior? It’s only bloody Poopy Pants!
Lilo & Stitch
The 90s Disney animation run was the cinematic equivalent of a perfect steak—juicy, sizzling, and unforgettable. For some reason, 20 years later, Disney thinks nuking it in a microwave and calling it gourmet is the answer. Disney started rolling out these remakes, and I’ve done a good job sitting them out.
Lion King? Maybe if it’s the exact same soundtrack, just with the new visuals overlayed. Aladdin? Maybe if you cut together all the filthy, hilarious outtakes of Robin Williams that didn’t make the original cut… but you want me to watch Aladdin without Robin Williams? WTF do you take me for?
Wanna see my Disney impression?:
Hey, look at me, I’m Disney, I can make Star Wars because I bought it.
Yes, and I can jack it to Kim Basinger’s glamour pics and tell everyone I made hot, passionate love with her. Don’t even bother attempting The Emperor’s New Groove. Stop right now. Cancel it!
23 years ago, I took my then 2-year-old to see Lilo & Stitch. Felt like I’d walked in late, or some reels were missing or something. it was over before I knew it – like it went for maybe 45 minutes. The next day I went and saw it again, just me, to a later showing. It was undeniable, this short little fever dream is one of the greatest animated films ever made.
This thing was not only cute and quirky, it was a masterpiece! And I was wrong thinking the day before that it needed to be longer, it just needed to be worshipped. I made a bold claim all those decades back. THIS should be a live-action film!
Now…… Here we are.
I feel like Len Grossman:
“Which one of you fuckfaces is the Director?… Where’s the key grip? You? Hit that Director in the face, really fucking hard!”
Remember The Blues Brothers when it was getting a sequel? Then you watched Blues Brothers 2000, and it’s a bad karaoke night with no alcohol and no lyrics being projected.
Michael Bay should’ve directed this thing. The movie should’ve opened with the aftermath of some devastating celestial event, Stitch caught after tearing through the galaxy like a gremlin on meth. His mad scientist dad, standing trial. A cosmic war criminal, tried by fire as he begs for mercy before some interstellar tribunal, as planets burn in the background.
Instead? We get what feels like a shot-for-shot remake of the original, edited so fast you’d think the VFX team chugged Red Bull for 12 hours, slapped it together overnight, and delivered it to Disney HQ by throwing a hard drive through the window with a brick attached.
The bulk of the movie sticks pretty close to the original, scene for scene, beat for beat, with a few padded expansions shoved in like bonus fries at the bottom of the bag. And honestly? That wasn’t the worst idea. But if you’re gonna play that game, commit. Don’t half-ass your own formula. Keep the damn momentum and actually build on it.
Don’t just pad a few scenes and then blitz through the rest like you’re late for your coke-fueled furry orgy in stolen costumes behind the Disney dumpsters.
The guy playing the one-eyed alien, Pleakey, isn’t half bad, but Zach Galifianakis as Stitch’s creator, Jumba Jookiba, is just jarring. The original’s weird Eastern European mad scientist is gone. In its place, we get Zach mumbling through the role like he’s doing a half-assed table read after spending the morning in a weed dispensary.
He’s as funny as a miscarriage gender reveal. Herpes flaring up on your wedding night. A suicide note written in crayon by a toddler. I’d rather look at a priest’s hard drive without a VPN.
Back to Michael Bay. If Michael Bay had done the finale, we’d have a mind-blowing, earth-shattering chase scene that’d make your heart stop and your pants tighten. Ship explosions with volcanoes and rocket fuel and more chaos than a high school offering tequila shots.
Instead, we get a limp, chemically-castrated mess that looks like it was slapped together by some exec’s idiot kid whose only experience is uploading TikTok videos through clouds of vape.
The whole thing drags like some guy you just met at a party trying to explain crypto – painful, confusing, and all you can do is look around, praying for mercy. The ending feels like being at a drug party waiting for the overdue dealer to arrive, and then some hippy walks in with a bottle of green juice and proclaims you can get high without drugs.
I can’t recommend this movie. It’s like watching a cute little school play where even the kids in the audience are moaning and crying to be somewhere else. I’d rather be in Colorado in 2012 watching The Dark Knight.
Just skip this mess and watch the far superior original.
The post Outposter Review: Live-Action LILO & STITCH appeared first on Last Movie Outpost.
