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Everyone was banging on about Materialists, and it is finally on streaming. It wasn’t like I was going to go to the cinema for it. It’s a RomCom, not my usual, but I have an open mind towards just about anything.
Warning, this movie does star Pedro Pascal so, if you want to tap out now, I totally understand.
Materialists stars Dakota Johnson, Chris Evans, Pedro Pascal, Zoe Winters, Pedro Pascal again, Marin Ireland, Eddie Cahill, and Pedro Pascal.
Celine Song is the writer and director. She is best known for writing some of The Wheel of Time, the show that was recently cancelled.
The Story
Materialists is a love triangle, between Lucy (Johnson), Harry (Pascal), and John (Evans). The idea of a woman who has to choose between two men is stunning, brave and completely original.
Lucy works at a dating agency, trying to match up the pickiest people in the entire world.
The way this came over was unbelievably prejudiced. The women would like a man over 6 ft tall, making $500k a year and can cook, clean and generally be a superhero. Think Evans without the Captain America suit on.
For all the women in the audience, this is empowering, feminine and shows the world what women want and how they deserve it.
When the men are picking, wanting a younger woman, fit, and who can cook and clean, it’s disgusting! Men are such pigs for having the same standards. #equality
The Unicorn In Materialists
Lucy is happy to set up everyone on a date, but never herself. She meets Harry, played by the wonderful Pascal. He is a unicorn for all the women out there.
He is the right height, rich, has his own place, can cook, clean, and probably puts the toilet seat down after a number one and two!
Lucy cannot help but want him, I mean, who wouldn’t? It’s Pedro Pascal! But she runs into John, an old boyfriend. The problem is, John is a lovely guy, but he’s poor. What is a girl to do? Stick with the rich guy, or try to get back with the poor guy.
I’m terrible at second-guessing movies, but even I could see the ending a mile away!
Pedro Pascal
As I have mentioned, the wonderful Pedro Pascal is in this movie, and he’s such a dreamboat.
It made me laugh during a scene where Lucy is telling Harry how he is a unicorn. It’s basically Johnson telling Pascal how amazing he is.
The scene runs for a while, and I couldn’t help but laugh as Pascal sits there, soaking up the compliments, with a smirk on his face. You can imagine Pascal isn’t really acting here; he was just thinking how nice it was that someone was being honest with him and telling everyone how great he is.
The last compliment I got was when my mum called me handsome. I think it was in 1986.
The Rest Of The Cast
There are other people in the Materialists as well. Johnson is perfectly average. I can’t think of a movie where she’s stood out as different. In this movie, she’s just phoning in another bland performance of the same characters she’s played in almost every movie.
Evan is barely used; he was just Steve Rogers, who swears a bit. And he uses really naughty words, way worse than Tony used when they all attacked that castle in Madeupistan.
The main focus was Pascal, man, every time I just type his name, I get a cheeky little tingle down my back.
Women Yay, Men Nay!
Everyone seems to be praising Song for her writing and directing. To her credit, the direction is very good in Materialists. There are some long, complex shots with acting, and they work very well. Her letdown is the writing.
Materialists is not a movie for me, I am not the target audience. If I were to guess, the target audience is for people like my sister. It’s OK, I know she’ll never read this, not while there’s Love Island to watch.
My sister would like a man; however, she has standards. She would like him to be Captain America, work 9 – 5, then come home, cook her dinner, do the laundry, and then make passionate love to her until they slowly fall asleep, and he repeats the same the next day.
Her biggest problem, apart from her weight, is that men have standards too. She’s 55, with a teenage daughter, a cat, and a size 28 dress. What does she have to offer the relationship? Herself, as she would put it, but it means nothing to any man.
Materialists is written for all self-empowered women who have standards, but cannot find a man, because men have standards. If the modern woman has nothing to offer but herself, she’s not going to find true love.
And Then Men Get Worse
I have to mention something else that goes with Materialists. The movie bangs on about how bad men are, so much so, I started feeling guilty for having a penis.
Mild spoiler, but one of the dates that Lucy sets up ends in an assault.
Can you guess which way the assault takes place? Yes, you’re right, the man assaults the woman and then starts to stalk her.
Again, this was just another ‘men are bad’ message. Lucy has a crisis of conscience and is not sure what to do. She turns from Harry to John, from Pascal to Captain America.
It’s a tough choice, to be honest. On the one hand, one is a good-looking superhero, who is honest, hardworking and generally a wonderful guy. On the other hand, there is Chris Evans. It’s a tough choice.
Overall
As I said, Materialists is not a movie made for me. It’s made for women who have standards, but can’t get a man with the same standards. They most likely have cats as well, lots and lots of cats.
It’s a RomCom for the modern audience. It is well directed, but the script is boring, bland, and obvious. There are one or two jokes that land, but they are few and far between. I can see how Song is being praised, though, hopefully, this ‘modernism’ bubble will burst soon.
Seeing both the men and the women being unbelievably picky about what they want from a date was funny. I say funny, it came over as funny when the women do it, but when the men do it, it’s creepy.
If I were on a dating site, I would lower my standards a little. Where it is said, ‘What are you looking for from a woman?’, I would put:
Cannot have a penis, and breathing optional
If I were going to meet up with the date and she suggested seeing Materialists, I would walk away. Talk about a red flag!
I know you Outposters, and I can pretty much say to stay away from Materialists. It is well directed, but the content will just anger and bore you, as it did me. I’m giving it a generous 1 out of 5 as the direction deserves something.
Materialists is streaming in the US.
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