By 
It is no secret that the Superman movie seems to have split audiences down the middle. Some enjoyed its breezy tone and Silver Age comic book vibe.
Others dismissed the lightweight fluff and decried the lack of brooding. So what to do?
Well, for a start we could seek out the wisdom of our elders like another long, long time Outposter who lurks.
Tazzy Baxter: Barber, Klarogo-Highport East Gentlemen’s Club, Picture Show Critic.
Tazzy remembers the Silver Age of comics because he was actually there. So let’s see what he made of Superman.
Clint Heywood
The last decent god-fearing picture show I saw was Dirty Harry starring Clint Heywood, back in 1971. I didn’t care much for his long hair. That hippy stuff is the reason people keep voting for child molesters.
We called them Chicken Hawks during the war. People these days say they need help. Paxton “Uppercut” Montgomery used to help them alright. He used to help them with a bayonet in the latrine.
I didn’t care for the hippy hair, but the show was ok. This was a time when a man understood justice required a smoking gun. It certainly made those alternative types and commies think twice. Picture shows only cost $1.65. You could buy 2 pounds of bacon for $1.65.
The hippes that run this magazine asked me for an older man’s “perspective”on a show called Superman.
I said two things.
One, I have an opinion, I don’t have a “perspective”. This is a fancy word used by Frenchmen, or women in the work place, probably to bamboozle men. I suspect it’s also used in the “alternative community.
Two, I’m not paying more than $1.65. I’d rather have bacon.
I waited until the show moved to Cheap Tuesday, but I’m still not paying, so I just walked into the theater. The boy never even tried to stop me. I think he was looking at smut on the telephone.
The magazine hippies are now complaining my review is late. I don’t work for you. If you don’t like it, get a real job.
The Picture Show
This picture show was loud. I didn’t care for it sometimes, but other times it made it easier to hear, like when the skirt was making nice with the Superman.
She was quite a strumpet. I hadn’t had a proper erection since Ava Gardner in The Life and Times of Judge Roy Beans.
I don’t understand how they could have relations though, him being super and all that. Maybe they had a safe word.
The colours were very bright and there was some good fighting, but I got a little confused when things happened too quickly.
The Superman was a strapping young fellow and seemed nice enough. He was polite, which I liked.
He saved a squirrel, which I really didn’t care for, as they are vermin and often shit in my backyard. But I appreciated what the young man was trying to do. I think saving the squirrel from the giant frog meant something.
The bald guy was a real piece of shit, pardon my language. He shot an ethnic fellow for no apparent reason when they were in a huge cave. Their was a giant cave with a prison in it.
I didn’t really understand it, but I thought it was good when the Superman saved the foreign baby. I think there was a message there like the giant frog and the squirrel.
There was also a negro with the letter T drawn on his face. He must have been good at university because he used computers to do magic. He was ok, I suppose. He didn’t seem as polite as the Superman. The white folk stole his space ship and flew around writing news stories.
Was that supposed to mean something like the squirrel and the giant frog? I don’t know, I was getting tired at this part of the show.
I didn’t care for the young flabby looking fellow who worked with the skirt at the news paper. He looked like a kid called Skippy Goldberg from the neighborhood when I was young.
We used to pull his pants down, put a flaming news paper between his buttocks and lock him out of the building in the busy street.
Anyway, this flacid looking kid from the picture show had dames falling all over him. I didn’t understand why. I could only assume he was super as well…maybe in his pants if you know what I mean.
Maybe he was rich. I don’t know. For all I know girls these days like boys that look like a soaked cabbage. I really dont care.
When the picture finished, I didn’t feel like I had been swindled.
I think there was a homeless man interfering with himself in the back row. Maybe the hippies who run this magazine could ask him for his “perspective.”
Old Spice
I thought about the picture show the next day when I was working. It stuck in my memory. I still felt ok about it.
Shorty Bozzano works as my second barber but spends his time smoking and reading the death notices in the paper. I asked him if he saw the Superman.
He said picture shows were for fanooks and that his father had roughed up Mario Lanza on the set of The Great Caruso over a gambling debt. Apparently Lanza like to bet on greyhounds.
“I’ll take that as a no, then?”
Shorty grunted and lifted the paper higher so all I could see was smoke wafting up from behind the paper.
A young fellow came in and asked for a haircut. I only do short back and sides. I didn’t tell him until I was well into the haircut.
I asked him if he had seen the Superman. This kid wouldn’t shut up.
He said he prefered “post-modern deconstructions of the superhero mythos”. But, all I heard was “I hate my parents.”
He asked me if I was a “snyderbro.” I don’t know what that is but it doesn’t sound too good. Sounded a little too alternative if you get my meaning.
When it came time to slap some Old Spice on his cheeks, I squirted it in his eyes. He screemed like a 12 year old girl. He said he wasn’t going to pay. I disagreed.
I didn’t take a handful of shrapnel in the prostate during the Korean War just for some fruit-bat to jew me out of 10 dollars.
Anyway, that’s enough. I’m tired now.
The post Old Man Vs. Movies: SUPERMAN appeared first on Last Movie Outpost.
