By 
He-Man and the Masters of The Universe, the iconic 1980s Mattel toy line turned cartoon, has been around since 1983. In that time, seven different versions of the animated series have been produced, if you include spin-off show She-Ra. A new version pops up every few years, like Monkeypox variants.
The most recent iteration was Kevin Smith’s lamentable attempt to reimagine Masters of The Universe for the lesser-spotted modern audience. His grand plan involved killing He-Man in the first episode and turning the whole series into a girl-power fantasy starring sidekick Teela.
Until now, Masters of The Universe has made the jump to live action only once, in 1987, courtesy of Cannon Films. It was beset by budget issues, bombed on release and sunk the studio.
It’s also endlessly rewatchable and way better than it has any right to be. Dolph Lundgren was born to play He-Man. The movie takes itself seriously, and Frank Langella delivers a Shakespearean performance as He-Man’s arch nemesis, Skeletor.
Now, 39 years later, we finally get a new live-action version of Masters of The Universe. Well, as live action as a CGI slopfest can be. It’s the screen version of reconstituted chicken.
It’s also pink
Master Sword
Masters of The Universe announces itself with a nice twist on the MGM logo, followed by an overlong prologue featuring young Adam, heir to the throne of Eternia. Girls bully him, and he disappoints his father.
After an attack by Skeletor and his army on CGI city, Adam escapes through a portal to Earth with the Sword of Power, a blunt-looking sword that grants its wielder the power of a God. He loses it.
Fifteen years later, Adam works in Human Resources. He’s still a wimp and spends his days looking for the magic sword that will solve all his problems so he doesn’t have to hit the gym or make any kind of effort to man up. Then he finds it. We’ve got to get this movie started somehow. Adam returns to Eternia to battle Skeletor.
We find out very little about Adam’s years on earth. I assume he was adopted, but we don’t meet his Earth parents. It’s barebones, lazy screenwriting.
The action isn’t much better. How difficult is it to put a few seconds of thought into a set piece so that it makes at least some sense?
Case in point (minor spoiler): when Skeletor’s men surround Adam and his parents, his father takes a stand and ushers Adam and his mother away. They walk straight past Skeletor’s men, and nobody stops them. This allows Adam to escape to Earth with the sword that Skeletor wants.
We’re also meant to believe that a 110 lbs. woman can fight this thing:
Beast Man
Seriously. It has her pinned down, and she smashes it off her by opening a car door on it. She doesn’t have superpowers or anything. It has to be seen to be believed.
Master Debaters
I realise that the premise of Masters of The Universe is inherently ridiculous, but the writers of this movie seem so embarrassed by it that they make jokes every ten seconds that undercut any dramatic potential. They REALLY need you to understand that they’re in on the joke. Ha ha, isn’t this silly!
But it does the movie a disservice. Every time Adam does something remotely manly, he gets undermined. Even when he becomes He-Man and lifts up a fucking spaceship for Teela, she immediately friendzones him.
Can’t we have a little romance anymore? What’s the over/under on Teela getting a girlfriend if this movie gets a sequel?
That said, Camila Mendes’ performance as Teela is a highlight. She takes the role seriously, and the camera spends a fair amount of time focusing on her ass. Idris Elba also got the memo with a solid performance as Duncan/Man-at-Arms.
Masters of The Universe isn’t a complete loss. Some of the jokes land. The movie’s explanation for why characters have names such as He-Man, Ram Man, Moss Man, and Fisto is genius.
Jared Leto’s Skeletor will likely divide audiences. The skull is well animated, but his voice sounds like a cross between Gandalf and Captain Jack Sparrow. Skeletor was always a one-note villain, but here he seems particularly one-dimensional. He also jokes around like Doctor Evil at times.
Nicholas Galitzine carries the movie well as Adam/He-Man. The movie does a good job of making him look ordinary before his transformation. But his personality remains unchanged when he becomes He-Man, which is a missed opportunity.
Why not give him a touch of arrogance? It would make him more interesting. I’m sure I’d be arrogant if I suddenly acquired a buff physique that I didn’t earn. But I guess that would detract from the safe, paint-by-numbers plotting.
Princes of the Universe
Masters of The Universe leans heavily into its 1980s-inspired rock soundtrack. Brian May assists with the score, and they shamefully use Princes of the Universe from Highlander. But it just serves to remind you of better movies. Both Highlander and Flash Gordon were way better than this. At least they weren’t embarrassed by their own existence.
One of the biggest criticisms of the 1987 Masters of The Universe was its omission of fan favourite character Orko, for budgetary reasons. They’ve learned nothing, because he’s also missing here. He does pop up in an end-credit scene, but it’s too little, too late. Where has he been the whole time?
Orko’s brief scene was the only moment in the movie that got a stir from the sparse audience at my showing, other than a cameo that I won’t spoil here. I also won’t spoil the post-credits stinger that promises a sequel. It almost seemed like a threat.
The post Review: MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE appeared first on Last Movie Outpost.
