Critics Choice Awards Winners 2024

It’s Monday, and to give you that nice warm fuzzy feeling to start your week off I have the winners of the Critics Choice Awards.

So last night, the luvvies and nonces of Hollywood had another awards ceremony. They spent the evening wearing clothes that cost more money than your car. Drank expensive alcohol and ate a plate of pretentious food for which the price would be the equivalent of a month’s groceries. And they likely did all this while lecturing us, the little people, on how we should live our lives and be better people.

I won’t bore you with all the nominees, I’ll just give you the winners. I can sense your excitement! Here goes:

FILM

Best Actor

Paul Giamatti, The Holdovers.

This movie is making some noise so I’ll have to seek it out and review it.

Best Actress

Emma Stone, Poor Things.

I’m glad Lily Gladstone didn’t win this time. Three hours of acting like you are sick is not an achievement.

Best Supporting Actor

Robert Downey Jr., Oppenheimer. Deserved.

Best Supporting Actress

Da’Vine Joy Randolph, The Holdovers.

Best Young Actor/Actress

Dominic Sessa, The Holdovers.

Best Acting Ensemble

Oppenheimer.

Best Picture

Oppenheimer.

I seem to be in the minority for loving Maestro which wasn’t even nominated!

Best Director

Christopher Nolan, Oppenheimer.

Best Adapted Screenplay

Cord Jefferson, American Fiction.

This movie actually sounds quite good. I’ll have to check this out too, but it’s a shame it stars Jeffrey “mumbling” Wright.

Best Original Screenplay

Greta Gerwig and Noah Baumbach, Barbie. Whatevs!

Best Cinematography

Hoyte van Hoytema, Oppenheimer.

The different styles and techniques to capture the various eras of Maestro by Matthew Libatique would have been my choice.

Best Production Design

Sarah Greenwood, Katie Spencer, Barbie.

Best Costume Design

Jacqueline Durran, Barbie. Meh.

Janty Yates and David Crossman’s work on Napoleon takes my vote.

Best Hair and Makeup

Barbie.

Winning all the girly categories.

Best Comedy

Barbie. An ironic LOL.

Best Song

“I’m Just Ken,” Barbie.

A little video of Shawn T’s boyfriend, Ryan Goslin’s reaction is below.

Best Score

Ludwig Göransson, Oppenheimer.

Best Visual Effects

Oppenheimer.

Nah, The Creator was far better.

Best Animated Film

Spider-Man Mile Morales: Across the Spider-Verse. Well deserved.

Best Foreign Language Film

Anatomy of a Fall.

TELEVISION

Best Drama Series

Succession.

Best Actor in a Drama Series

Kieran Culkin, Succession. Deserved.

Best Actress in a Drama Series

Sarah Snook, Succession. Also deserved.

Best Supporting Actor in a Drama Series

Billy Crudup, The Morning Show.

The only shining light in this woke nonsense of a show.

Best Supporting Actress in a Drama Series

Elizabeth Debicki, The Crown. Would.

Best Comedy Series

The Bear.

By far the best show on TV right now.

Best Actor in a Comedy Series

Jeremy Allen White, The Bear.

Best Actress in a Comedy Series

Ayo Edebiri, The Bear.

Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series

Ebon Moss-Bachrach, The Bear.

This show is pissing all over the competition.

Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series

Meryl Streep, Only Murders in the Building.

I detest this nonce lover.

Best Limited Series

Beef.

Best Movie Made for Television

Quiz Lady.

I’ve heard nothing but bad things about this show. No One Will Save You gets my vote.

Best Actor in a Limited Series or Movie Made for Television

Steven Yeun, Beef. Curtains.

Best Actress in a Limited Series or Movie Made for Television

Ali Wong, Beef.

Nope. Kaitlyn Dever from No One Will Save You for me.

Best Supporting Actor in a Limited Series or Movie Made for Television

Jonathan Bailey, Fellow Travelers.

Best Supporting Actress in a Limited Series or Movie Made for Television

Maria Bello, Beef.

Best Foreign Language Series

Lupin. I don’t care.

Best Animated Series

Scott Pilgrim Takes Off.

Slim pickings from this selection.

Best Talk Show

Last Week Tonight with John Oliver.

Are talk shows still a thing?!

Best Comedy Special

John Mulaney: Baby J.

No Gervais or Chapelle – I wonder why!?

And that’s a wrap for the Critics Choice Awards. See you again soon for the Oscars or whatever back-patting exercise these psychopaths are attending next.

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