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We’re almost there, guys. The penultimate episode of Alien: Earth has arrived, like that dentist appointment you were looking forward to.
And, just like your dentist loudly telling his assistant (whom you have a crush on) the absolute state of each and every one of your teeth, I am here to nit-pick Alien: Earth episode 7 to death.
Reviews of previous episodes can be located here, here, here, here and here.
Before I delve into the main review of Alien: Earth episode 7, here is a quick summary of some interesting points raised in the comments last week (spoilers alert):
A few people pointed out that the lab security at Prodigy Island is lax to the point of absurdity. Preventable accidents occur like scenes from a Final Destination movie just to allow the plot to happen. Yes, we know the creatures are going to escape, but it needs to be semi-believable. Like the action choreography in earlier episodes, these scenes are half-assed and laughable.
Related to point 1 and mentioned by ‘I Die Hard,’ Arthur is fired from Prodigy but still allowed to run around the site for the rest of the day with full system access so he can cause merry havoc. If the writers of Alien: Earth had given it any thought, they could have made an exciting subplot out of this. Why not make it so Arthur has to overcome the obstacles of being locked out the system and being escorted by armed guards? Or, you know…don’t.
‘Super Nintendo Chalmers’ voiced a thought that was in my brain but I didn’t articulate in my review: just who the heck are we meant to be rooting for in this show? Hardly anybody is likeable. Wendy is the obvious protagonist, but with a heel turn seemingly imminent, I guess we’ll just have to cheer for the Evil Eye. He’s an enterprising little chap but doesn’t look happy stuck in that dumb sheep. I hope he upgrades to a wolf or something by the end of the show.
Kirsch mentions to Joe that Wendy is so smart that she may invent faster than light travel. But surely that’s already been invented.
Alien: Earth Episode 7: Emergence
Something spoilery this way comes! I’m going into much more detail from now on so please don’t read the review until you’ve seen the show. For those who don’t care about spoilers, or those who have checked out of the show already, here’s the lowdown.
After inching the story forward for the last few weeks, we finally get some momentum in Alien: Earth episode 7. It’s clear that they didn’t have enough plot for eight episodes. There’s a good movie in here somewhere. Or at least…a movie.
Kirsch and his soldiers are cleaning up the lab after the acid-spewing flies escaped last week and killed hybrid Tootles. Two soldiers enter with no protective clothing (standard operating procedure for this show), stun the flies and recover Tootles’ body.
All good, except Wendy sees this and isn’t happy. Kirsch tries to prevent her from telling the other hybrids by having soldiers block the door. Wendy then demonstrates her grasp of the alien language by whistling/gurgling at the alien still in captivity. It starts banging on the glass.
So…she’s learnt how to say ‘bang on the glass’ in alien? Or was it something simpler like ‘attack.’ Or something more emotive like ‘that guy with the white hair just called you a dick.’
Wendy then walks out. Presumably they let her go because she threatened them with the alien, even though it is still in its cage. I don’t know.
The alien escapes!
Tootles’ death motivates Wendy to escape with Joe. She was reluctant to leave before, but now concludes that Prodigy is evil and the hybrids are in danger. I just don’t get the logic, to be honest. Tootles’ death was an accident. Nevermind, we’ve got to jump start the plot somehow.
The girl with the sock puppet still looks tougher than this guy
Wendy insists on gathering up the other hybrids before they leave. Curly refuses to go – she’s the one who was sucking up to Kavalier about four episodes ago and we’ve hardly seen her since.
Crazy Nibs agrees to leave but Slightly and Smee are busy hauling Arthur’s facehugged body through the jungle. Wendy doesn’t even ask about them. So much for not being able to leave without them.
Wendy creates a distraction by remotely disabling the lock on the alien’s cage. It then slaughters four or five scientists who did nothing wrong. She’s the good guy.
But hey – the alien is back in Alien: Earth!
More Than Slightly Stupid
Slightly ropes Smee into helping him deliver Arthur to Morrow. The two of them struggle to haul Arthur through the jungle, even though they are meant to have super strength and super speed. Did the writers forget?
A group of soldiers appears on the path, so they hide in the undergrowth. It seems that Prodigy Island has no woodland cameras and relies entirely on these patrols for security. Once the patrol passes, Arthur has disappeared. He then reappears, fully awake but confused. The dead face hugger falls out of a tree.
Let me take a second to describe just how stupid this scene is. In the few seconds it takes the patrol to pass, the face hugger releases itself from Arthur, climbs a tree and dies. Arthur gets up immediately and walks in the direction of the path the soldiers were on (because that’s the direction he walks back from), but the soldiers don’t see him.
It’s so sloppy and needless. He should have been laying on the ground unconscious, sans face hugger. The jump scare with the face hugger falling out the tree could remain.
“Who wrote this crap? Was it you?”
Anyway, Smee and Slightly persuade Arthur to continue their journey by lying to him about needing to evacuate. Then Arthur remembers what happened and convinces them to go back. These scenes are fine but too baggy and slow the early momentum of the episode.
An alien then bursts from Arthur’s chest, rendering it all pointless. Smee and Slightly rendezvous with Morrow and his Weyland-Yutani shock troops, but without the alien. Plan B – invade the compound. Hell yeah – shit’s about to go down on Alien: Earth.
Then they all get captured by Kirsch and the Prodigy soldiers. Oh well. Kirsch also improbably captures the newborn alien in the jungle. Give me a break.
The ratio of a circle’s circumference to its diameter
In other news, Kavalier watches the footage of Tootles’ death. He sees the Evil Eye sheep banging the glass and concludes that the Evil Eye must be intelligent. I mean – it is, but why would you conclude that from seeing an animal bang its head on the glass. Wouldn’t a stupid animal also do that? A pigeon crashed into my patio window once.
Kavalier then proves beyond all doubt that the eye is intelligent by…I’m not sure I can say this with a straight face, but I’ll try. He shows it the ratio for pi (3.14) and asks it what the next three digits are. And the eye tells him by banging the sheep’s foot on the ground the correct number of times.
“The area of a circle is pi r squared, you moron.”
Maybe I’m being too harsh. It makes some sense that the eye would absorb the intelligence of the creatures it inhabits. But seeing a sheep line dancing didn’t work for me.
The next three numbers of pi are 159, by the way. He gets the first two correct with his ‘right foot stomp’ act, but then just shits on the floor. Does that represent 9? Or was it reviewing Alien: Earth episode 7?
Also, shitting on the floor means…it’s still alive? I thought host animals were zombies, but if they don’t always die when the eye takes them over, does that mean they can regain their faculties once the eye leaves? I need answers!
Kavalier isn’t bothered by the small matter of a fully grown alien having escaped. It could be anywhere. But never fear – the writers cover this off with a throwaway line about the alien having left the compound via a waste pipe. He doesn’t even send anyone to look for it. Why bother – he’s got a sheep that can do math and dance the tango!
Jurassic: Earth
Wendy, Joe and Nibs run into some of the Weyland-Yutani troops in the jungle. They are about to be captured when the alien arrives. Wendy emits a few chirps and whistles and it kills all the troops.
I think it would have done that anyway without her instructions, assuming that’s what she was saying. I don’t speak alien. Maybe she was just giving it a pep talk. ‘You can do this. Yes, I know there’s six of them, well spaced out with pulse rifles, but you have plot armour this episode.’
The alien walks over and Wendy strokes it (for fuck’s sake). She chirps at it again and it runs off. She tells Joe she told it to ‘hide and follow,’ in alien language. How did she learn that?
It reminds me of Chris Pratt’s pet velociraptor in Jurassic World, except even less believable. The velociraptor in that movie was barely tame, and you felt it could turn at any moment. Here the alien seems subservient to Wendy.
But why? Learning the alien’s language doesn’t mean it’s going to obey you. It’s a wild animal. And why didn’t it kill Joe or Nibs? Did Wendy tell it ‘it’s cool, they’re with me?’
“Tinkerbell. I’ll call you Tinkerbell!”
They reach the dock but Prodigy troops are waiting for them. One of them throws Nibs’ sock puppet into the water and she rips his jaw off. It’s a great moment – crazy Nibs is now one of my favourite characters in Alien: Earth.
Then she gets shot. There’s a brief scuffle. Joe grabs one of the troops’ shock guns, but knowing they can’t win, he electrocutes Nibs and ends the fight. Wendy feels betrayed. Her pet alien watches on from the bushes and you hear the opening chords of an out of place rock song, so you know the latest episode of Alien: Earth is about to end.
Can I request Thunderstruck for the finale?
How DARE you!
The post Review: ALIEN: EARTH – Episode 7 appeared first on Last Movie Outpost.
