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I have a couple of new giant spider movies to review, but following the sad passing of James Van Der Beek, I thought I would review Eye of the Beast, starring Dawson Creek himself and a giant squid.
Notice how I have kept the eight-legged theme going, because giant squids also have eight legs (or tentacles, whatever). You could argue that giant squids are the giant spiders of the sea, but only from a position of total ignorance.
It’s safe to say that Eye of the Beast came at a time when Dawson was experiencing a career lull. I really liked that American football movie he was in. Here he had been reduced to made-for-television monster movies, sharing top billing with a rubber tentacle that threatens to steal the movie from him.
I think he realised he was slumming it because he doesn’t make much of an effort. He doesn’t so much phone it in as send a text message.
The only time he shows any kind of animation is when he is in a bar, trying to strike up a conversation with a group of Native Americans, one of whom’s sister has just been killed by a giant squid.
He knows this and yet still walks up to them with a stupid grin on his face and says, ‘So how’s it going?’ When he doesn’t receive a favourable response, he says ‘ah, come on!’ as if it’s a party and they’re not dancing.
This Dawson guy has one sick sense of humour.
The Beast of War
Dawson plays a Government researcher who travels to a small island community to find out why the fish stock levels have fallen in the lake. He finds himself in the middle of an ongoing dispute between the white fishermen, who require permits to fish, and the Native Americans, who don’t.
The white men act like they are being treated unfairly and blame the Indians for over-fishing. The Indians, in turn, blame the white men and tell them to piss off back to Europe for good measure.
Meanwhile, the real culprit, the giant squid, is busy porking his way through the entire lake.
Stuck in the middle of all this is a hot female cop who is half white and half Native American, so she gets it in both ears about how she favours the other side. Dawson arrive,s and they all start hating him too because…well, they are like that.
If only they had a common enemy to unite them and make them forget their differences. Hmmm.
Sexy Beast
Dawson goes out on one of the fishing boats to do his research. He finds the remains of a boat and two teens who were attacked by the giant squid in the obligatory pre-credit kill sequence.
This pre-credit sequence establishes a new punishable sin. Just before he tries to have sex with his girlfriend (sin 1), the teenage guy finishes his bottle of beer (sin 2) and then…wait for it…he throws it in the lake! Littering!
He would have been lucky to get away with committing even one of the first two, but when you throw littering into the mix, you are definitely getting killed by a giant squid.
Remember, kids – no littering, especially when drinking and having pre-marital sex in a boat, and you hear a funny noise which you mention to your boyfriend, but he acts tough and dismisses it out of hand because he just wants you to see the eye of his beast.
Dawson salvages the part of the boat with the squid’s sucker marks on it, then uses all of his science skills to type ‘giant squid’ into Google and find out all about them, complete with pictures that match up to his.
Just what the Hell did people do before the internet? I suppose they had to know stuff. Anyway, his bosses don’t believe the giant squid exists until the end of the movie, when one of them sees it on Google Earth. Fucking Google Earth!
Beauty and the Beast
The movie kind of drags after that, though. Nobody goes back out on the water to investigate, no more deaths occur, nothing. I have argued the ‘less is more’ case before when it comes to creature reveals in monster movies, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t show it at all.
Instead of slowly building the tension, we get a second act full of Dawson sitting in a pub, staring at a pint of beer and occasionally offending the recently bereaved. He doesn’t even bang the hot cop, even though she is clearly gagging for it.
That is what this movie needs – a gratuitous sex scene that serves the plot in no way, shape or form. They could writhe around with their arms and legs flailing about like a kind of human squid. I don’t know…maybe it could be symbolic or something.
“Want to have sex?” “Nah.”
After half an hour of people debating whether the giant squid exists, a guy walks into the pub with part of a tentacle that he hacked off. Dawson unites the cowboys and the indians to take on the giant squid.
Belly of the Beast
The last act of Eye of the Beast is actually quite good. This is undoubtedly because my expectations were low, but they do get a few things right. The rubber tentacles are shown sparingly and are cloaked in mist, so the shaky effects never become too distracting. I also liked the part where one boat is stranded, and its occupants are forced to listen helplessly while the giant squid kills the people on the other boat.
But like most monster movies, it is painfully obvious who is going to live and who is going to die. Dawson and the hot chick he’s been flirting with all movie? They’re okay. How about the guy whose wife is heavily pregnant? Any chance of killing him off? Hell no.
And what about this other guy who has no family and acts a little crazy throughout the film? Say no more.
And the Indians? Well…let’s just say that those guys can’t get a break.
Eye of the Beast may not seem like the best tribute to the career of James Van Der Beek, but this little movie sure was fun to write about, even if it wasn’t very good. For that reason, I award it an honorary position alongside my giant spider movie reviews. It’s the highest honour I can bestow. It ain’t much, but it ain’t nothing.
Someone needs to add a tear here as a tribute to James
A note on the title: I read on Wikipedia that giant squid have the largest eyes of any living creature apart from the ‘colossal squid’, which is even bigger. I think they should go with that for the sequel. Maybe Pacey can be in it.
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