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Sometimes, reality simply cannot be parodied. Sometimes, the comedy writes itself. So prepare for the sunrise of the reapling of the 250th quarter quell, or something, as America has a birthday coming up, and it’s going to be so God Damn American that it might as well be driving a pick-up truck.
Next year is the 250th birthday of the United States of America, and as part of the Freedom 250 festivities, there will be a grand celebration.
Several activities will be planned from June 25 to July 10, according to the White House. These will include a Spirit of America parade to honor fallen soldiers, a birthday fireworks celebration on the National Mall, promised to be the largest fireworks display in world history, and a Great American State Fair featuring pavilions from all 50 states and biblical amounts of fried food.
President Donald Trump outlined festivities, saying it will be:
“…the most spectacular birthday party the world has ever seen. Frankly, you’ll never see anything like it, and you’ll never see anything like it again,”
We all just read that in Trump’s voice, didn’t we?
The big news was Trump personally spearheading what he called a Patriot Games event. No Irish terrorists having Harrison Ford wagging a finger at them here. Instead, high school athletes, one young man and one young woman, competing from each state and territory, will volunteer as tribute for the nationwide televised event.
The announcement was bookended by more classic Trump:
“But I promise there will be no men playing in women’s sports. You’re not going to see that.”
Just when you thought things couldn’t get any more awesome, it was also revealed that the Ultimate Fighting Championship will host a UFC fight on the South Lawn of the White House on Flag Day on June 14.
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