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An Outposter by the moniker of Hambone Fake Namington has an exclusive and he needs to share it with you all, right now.
My Dad Works for Nintendo: A Totally True List of Announcements for the Upcoming Switch 2
Trust me bro!
The gaming internet is aflutter at the moment, speculating on what Nintnedo will unveil in their upcoming Direct focused on their new system, the Switch 2!
Why should you have to wait until Wednesday, though, when I got all the real news right here. How did I acquire such inside information one may ask?
Well, my dad works at Nintendo; he’s the guy who makes sure the games are fun enough to be released. Pikachu even came to my birthday last year. My dad also beat up Hulk Hogan, but seeing as how he is a broken-down 71-year old man, that’s not really too impressive anymore.
Anyway, here’s what’s going to go down, but don’t tell anyone about it, so my dad doesn’t get in trouble.
The Gimmick
We all know Nintendo is going to Nintendo and throw in some gimmick that maybe a handful of games will use early on and then be abandoned as the system ages. The current rumor is the joycons will pull double duty as a mouse-like peripheral, but there’s something else the House of Mario has hidden down their long, stinky warp pipe: a second screen.
Thanks to wireless tethering, players will be able to treat the Switch 2 as a docked console but still hold it in their hands like they’re using a current Switch in handheld mode. It’s going to finally deliver on the promise of the Wii U, only this time it will actually, you know, work from more than 5 feet away.
My dad also says there’s a special attachment coming that will snap to the top of the console, so people will be able to play dual screen games on the bus or while waiting their turn at the neighborhood glory hole.
Because the system will have dual-screen technology, that means Nintendo will finally offer a new system to their Switch Online catalogue. That’s right, the Virtual Boy is alive and well in 2025! See, the top screen will have that glasses-free 3D technology built in (like they did on that piece of junk 3DS), so it will be able to provide the feeling of Nintendo’s most misunderstood portable device that wasn’t portable in any way. Hold on while I lace up and my bowling shoes for Nester’s Funky Bowling.
Returning Classics
To lure the faithful Nintendo fanboys, the company has renewed partnerships with old developers to bring their most beloved franchises to the new system. Konami is finally waking up to the realization that pachinko machines are no longer viable and 40-year old franchises based on public domain horror characters are the wave of the future.
Yep, a new will be ready on Day 1! Just like Super Castlevania IV brought Simon Belmont back to gaming rooms in 1991, the original vampire killer is making his triumphant return with fan favorite, Alucard!
This game will be 10 times bigger than Symphony of the Night and feature both “classic” style gameplay from the NES originals when playing as Simon and more “Metroidvania” style gaming when playing as Alucard.
One of the bosses is also a giant pair of boobs that lactate acid.
The Death of the Console Wars
While Mario and Zelda will forever be Nintendo exclusives, my dad says the company is going to let some of their games like Splatoon! be on Playstation. In return, Sony games will be coming to the new system, and not just stuff like MLB: The Show that only losers play. The first game that’s going to come out is Astro Bot, but ports of God of War (2018) and a bit of a downgraded version of the next Gran Turismo will also be coming to the system.
Not to be left out, Microsoft will also bring their biggest franchise to the Switch 2. Of course, I’m talking about Blinx: The Time Sweeper, a middling game from the original Xbox that only got a sequel because it was published by Microsoft. I think I can say without hyperbole that this truly is the greatest of all possible universes.
The Heavy Hitters
No system launch would be complete without some news of Nintendo’s most popular series. The new Mario is being developed and will launch this holiday season.
It will be a giant open world game, about as big as Hyrule in Breath of the Wild, only this time Mario won’t be alone. By partnering with Sega, Mario and Sonic (yes, that Sonic!) will finally embark on a globe-trotting platform adventure together.
Also, Sonic will be able to use all of Mario’s traditional powerups, such as mushrooms and fire plants, and Mario will be able to turn into Mega Mario if he collects all seven chaos emeralds. My dad didn’t say if Chris Chan will be a playable character or not, so I’m taking that as a definite yes!
We may have the wrong Zelda
While The Legend of Zelda won’t release the next entry in the main franchise this year, Nintnendo will drop the HD version of WindWaker bundled with the DS games, Phantom Hourglass and Spirit Tracks. I’m not sure how Nintendo would do it, but that dual-screen attachment may be able to mimic the DS screens, but I hope they don’t spend too much time messing with that because I don’t want the emulation of the Virtual Boy to suffer. Keep your eyes on the prize, Nintendo, and don’t go in for half-baked technology.
Price and Availability
By now I’m sure the splooge is already filling up your pants, so I won’t spoil any more gaming details. Instead, I’ll wrap this up by saying the console will be immediately available after the Direct is over at participating KB Toys and will retail for $250.00 or a deluxe package of $400 that includes the dual-screen attachment.
Also, if none of this is announced, it’s because Nintendo saw this and had to pivot to Plan B at the last minute.
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