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Richard Osman’s House of Games is king of the play-along quiz show. From editing in such long pauses before the celebrity contestants press their buzzers that you start to worry they’ve had a stroke, to Osman’s regular pats on the back to those of us rattling our windows at home by shouting “MICHAELA STRAC-HAN SOLO” at the final round, everything is generously designed to include viewers in the fun.
Almost everything. Non-celebrities have no route to the show’s knowingly naff yet covetable selection of 1970s game show-style prizes. Save for having a sheet of custom Richard Osman stickers made and going nuts in a branch of Dunelm Mill, we mortals will never get our hands on that bounty. It’s off limits.
That doesn’t mean we can’t help the famouses make their selection. Having been granted access to House of Games’ hallowed cornucopia, it’s crucial for them not to waste the opportunity. So, only including a selection of prizes that have been on offer 50 times or more in the show, here’s a guide to what they should and shouldn’t pick. Choose wisely, Gregg Wallace and Laurence Llewellyn-Bowen, the nation’s hopes rest with you.
22. Shower Curtain
A novelty shower curtain. Are you a student? No, you’re a mildly famous face off Casualty/the Snooker, so have some self-respect. Unless you need something in which to wrap up a corpse before chucking it off a cross-channel ferry, you don’t need this.
21. Scented Candle
Scented candles are a scam. The only thing they smell of is hot candle (and yes, that would be a good name for a band). This one looks like it’s been already been regifted and its origin story involves a tombola table at a primary school fete. Leave well alone.
20. Eau de Cologne
It’s fun isn’t it, joking with Richard Osman about being squirted with his musk and having him sprayed all over you? No, it isn’t. It’s inappropriate, this is a teatime show, and Anneka Rice should be ashamed of herself.
19. Pasta Maker
Alright, Mrs Beeton, you do know that pasta comes ready-made from the shops. Do you hand-craft your Weetabix of a morning? Of course you don’t. Have a word with yourself and save your cleaner the additional dusting.
18. Pillow and Duvet Set
The drummer from Busted wants to put it in his guest room. Sports presenter Gabby Logan plans to surprise the mother-in-law when she comes to stay for Christmas. Grow up, the pair of you. You may use this to cover the backseat of the car during dog-transportation, and you may offer your visitors the respect they deserve along with an Egyptian Cotton neutral.
18. Driving Gloves
Do you know who wears leather gloves? Anonymous stranglers in the cold opens of ITV murder mysteries. Got something to confess, stand-up who was nominated for the Perrier Comedy Award back when it was still called the Perrier Comedy Award? Thought not.
16. Richard Osman Action Figure
Now we’re getting somewhere. A Richard Osman action figure has practical application, in that you can use it to stage your own Adam and Joe-style House of Games episode including your daughter’s Bratz doll (Cheryl Cole), a GI Joe (someone from Gladiators), a crocheted toilet roll cover lady (Su Pollard) and a sock stuffed with another sock (the stand-up in chair four).
15. Salt and Pepper Grinders
These are lovely. No notes. Would look stunning on any dining table. Also useful as make-do maracas should the Latin spirit take you.
14. Playing Cards
They don’t look much, but think of the Green Room possibilities. The TV industry isn’t what it once was for freelancers, and mama needs to make rent, so who’s to judge if you hustle Sir Chris Hoy out of a gold medal or two during an impromptu poker match? The savvy choice.
13. Sparkling Wine
Yes, it’s more likely to be from an Asda bin than a boutique vineyard’s bin-end, but it’s still wine, people. That’s money in your pocket. NB. If you’re one of television’s many recovering alcoholics, skip this one, go for the salt and pepper grinders, and stay strong, you’ve got this.
12. Cushion
A lovely item, and one only spoiled if Anneka Rice starts in with her usual business about sitting on Richard’s face, in which case, grit your teeth and hope that she gets the help she needs.
11. Coasters
You can never have too many coasters.
10. Bread Bin
Your bread lives in the cupboard, like everyone else’s? Not any more, champ. Give your loaves their own shiny little garage complete with sliding door. And why not, add a packet each of crumpets and scones to the Ocado order and get those bad boys in there too. You present Homes Under the Hammer for goodness’ sake; you’ve earned this.
9. Dressing Gown
Agent not calling as much as they used to? Lose out on that panto gig to Todd Carty (again)? Wrap yourself in the cushioning comfort of this robe and pretend you’ve been cast in the new Noel Coward at The Lane. Who’s laughing now?
8. Onesie
As above, but for the under-30s.
7. Compost Bin
Don’t know if you’ve heard, but the planet is on fire. If you can’t bring yourself to separate your used tea bags, carrot peelings and empty eggshells for the sake of mother Earth and that sad polar bear on his rapidly diminishing glacier, then do you even deserve to call yourself a former member of the band McFly?
6. Fondue Set
A thing of beauty and a joy forever. Melt cheese in it, melt chocolate in it (not at the same time, Heston Blumenthal), dip your other House of Games prizes in it if you like… the applications are endless. Bonus points for being the kind of thing a Margo subplot would revolve around in an episode of The Good Life.
5. Tool Box
You get a man in for that kind of thing? Somebody’s doing well.
4. Decanter
Attractive, useful, potential murder weapon in an Agatha Christie-style whodunit… Why wouldn’t you choose the decanter? It’s a peach of a prize.
3. Dart Board
Top three! The dart board is legendary. You need it as both ornament and as training ground. What if EastEnders comes calling and the only thing stopping you from getting a cushy six-month contract with possible expansion to next Christmas is your inability to land three in a bed?
2. Deckchair
A genuinely great prize. Useful if you have a garden or a balcony, or why not use it as a conversation-starter at the beach/Glastonbury/the Chelsea Flower Show – that conversation being ‘yes, I did beat Bonnie Langford on Tuesday’s episode, thank you for noticing’.
1. Wheelie Luggage
Trophy? What trophy? It’s all about the prime article, the big kahuna, the suitcase that brings all the boys to the yard. Would we go so far as to call it iconic? We would. Prized for their rarity (except in August in Edinburgh, where every comedian with a leaflet blowing down the Royal Mile has one), winning one of these hard-shelled beauties is better than winning a Bafta.
Richard Osman’s House of Games series 8 will air soon on BBC Two.
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