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No matter what they tell you, Christmastime is the best time. It’s the deep breath on the last page of the calendar; the chance to take stock of the year that was and appreciate that we’re halfway through the darkest days of winter, hopefully surrounded by beloved family and friends.
But you know what would make it one better? If it was family, friends, and a fictional character of our choosing each year! Imagine for just one magical evening every December, Doc Brown rolled up in a DeLorean to sample Christmas cookies? Or what if it’s Han Solo or Princess Leia who is asking you to pass the gravy and potatoes? You just know Chewbacca would be all-in on a game of pulling the Christmas crackers. So with that in mind, we asked our staff to think of who they’d like to party with come Christmas Day.
Robert Baratheon – Game of Thrones
When thinking about what makes a good Christmas dinner guest, my reasoning always came back to the same trait. A good Christmas dinner guest has to be drunk. You know: shitfaced, blottoed, wasted, faded, gone, schmacked. And my favorite drunk in all of pop culture is undoubtedly Westeros’ rightful monarch: King Robert of House Baratheon, First of His Name.
Dining with Bobby B would mean being regaled with stories of the Battle of the Bells and creation of the Ruby Ford in his booming voice while he dribbles ale and blood sausage down his immense beard. And since I’m dining with King Robert, that means he’s still alive and I can try to impart the important lesson to him of keeping his alcohol consumption confined to the dinner table and not boar hunts, saving the Seven Kingdoms a whole lot of trouble. – Alec Bojalad
Willy Wonka (Gene Wilder Version) – Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
I don’t know about you, but in my household Christmas dinner is the calm after the storm. The extended friends and family feasting occurs on Christmas Eve, the church service is also right after, and then Chrstmas morning is of course total mayhem. Come nightfall, it is time to relax and just take good cheer from the smaller group of family around the table. But you know what I’ve realized? That’s taking the easy way out. Christmas chaos shouldn’t peter out; it must crescendo!
That is why Willy Wonka would be such a welcome presence at the table. Undeniably goodhearted and kind, Gene Wilder’s O.G. Wonka would be an appropriately festive ingredient to spike into the eggnog. He also is an absolute madman who would suffer no fool, and will therefore keep you on your toes. Could he strain that crazy uncle into pasta? Turn that yappie dog into a blueberry? Or just let us all fly around the still glowing Yuletide lights outside?! No idea, but it’d be both exciting (and faintly terrifying) to find out!
Beyond all that though, there’s a melancholy to Wilder’s Willy that is as bitter as dark chocolate. The sad eyes hint at a creampuff underneath, but they also betray a loneliness that it would be genuinely nice to banish away with some friendly smiles and dinner table conversation about the ghosts of Christmases past. Plus, you wouldn’t have to worry about making dessert… – David Crow
Gale Dekarios – Baldur’s Gate 3
Anyone who knows me personally knows that I have not been able to shut up about Baldur’s Gate 3 or its characters since I started playing the game in September. All of the companion characters that can join your party have compelling backstories and offer something unique to the game, but I will always have a soft spot for Gale Dekarios, and not just because I romanced him in my first playthrough.
Gale Dekarios, aka the Wizard of Waterdeep, has been through a lot in his life, but despite it all there remains a kind soul who would be a great person to bring home for the holidays. He’s canonically the camp chef, which means that he often has to make an edible meal out of whatever random scraps of food you find throughout the game. If Gale can make three apples, a fish head, salami, and 20 bottles of wine taste okay (or at least make it edible enough that no one in camp ends up poisoned), then he’s bound to make a side dish that will wow the family.
Because he’s a wizard, he could also lighten the mood with his magic skills. Dinner taking a tad too long? Bam, Gale conjures some snow to keep the kids busy. Grandpa starting to get a little too political? Gale creates an illusory projection that he can talk to instead. If I get overwhelmed and want to duck out a little early? Gale could transport us both home with ease, avoiding holiday traffic entirely. But regardless of his skills in the kitchen or his magical abilities, Gale’s wholesome energy and caring heart would be a welcome addition to any holiday gathering. – Brynna Arens
FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper – Twin Peaks
Christmas isn’t a holiday for cynics. Sure, there’s something wonderful about a dark or depressing Christmas story, but to truly appreciate the holiday, one has to accept all the silly sentimentality and faith. And while his most openly Christmas themed character—Crispin Glover’s Jingle Dell from Wild at Heart—is a grotesque nightmare, no filmmaker understands weird sentiment like David Lynch.
So as loath as I would otherwise be to have a cop at dinner, I would like to spend time with FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper from Twin Peaks. Cooper would offer delightful observations about the taste sensation when gravy hits turkey, and would approach with solemn awe all of the religious traditions that are part of my Christmas celebration. And when we exchange low-cost but thoughtful gifts, he’ll wish us all a Merry Christmas in the form of a thumbs up. – Joe George
Kreacher the House Elf – Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
I come from a big family—so big that honestly the last thing we need is another guest around the table at Christmas. Growing up, it wasn’t unusual for Christmas dinner to spread beyond the table and onto stools pulled up to the sideboard, with plates balanced on knees at ear-height from sitting in a deckchair, or held up out of dog-nose range by grandkids perched on every other step of the stairs. Guests aren’t something we lack. A servant though?
I considered Dobby at first, but honestly he’d last five minutes with my lot—the sound of Bing Crosby muffling his poor screams as we collectively booted him into next door’s garden. So I have to go with Kreacher. Yes, he’s an abused, racist Nazi with Stockholm Syndrome, but what family doesn’t have one of those at Christmas? As our indentured House Elf for the day, Kreacher would be forced to cook, clean, wash up, collect all the used wrapping paper, find the right batteries to fit the kids’ toys, and apparate to the corner shop and back for when we realize that the jar of Cranberry sauce has gone moldy—and he’d do so gracelessly and muttering such curses that none of us would even feel a bit of guilt. Feliz Navidad! – Louisa Mellor
Harvey – Harvey (1950)
I can think of no one I would rather have at my table than Harvey, the invisible six-foot, three and a half-inch white rabbit from the film Harvey. In Henry Koster’s movie, adapted from a Pulitzer prize winning play by Mary Chase, Harvey is the best friend of Jimmy Stewart’s Elwood P. Dowd. So if in this fictional universe Elwood is still around, he’d get an invite too. I don’t want to separate the best buds. But I hope Harvey would see something in me and decide to show me how real he is—because I know he is. Harvey doesn’t eat a lot, and despite his considerable size, I think we could find a spot at the table for him. Harvey is non-judgmental, no side-eye from him if I have an extra roast potato, a bit more double cream, a few too many glasses of Prosecco. Because Harvey knows that life can be hard. Perhaps he’d let me share my grand plans, my fears, my stories—wonderful listener that he is.
Harvey is good-natured, but he enjoys a bit of mischief too, and I am here for that. A bit of cheating at Cluedo maybe. A hidden remote allowing me to watch extra episodes of Justice Judy (which is new Judge Judy on Prime Video… I digress). Perhaps Harvey could stop time so I don’t have to come back to work for a bit. Or take me on an adventure somewhere warm. If not, though, I don’t mind. I’d just feel grateful to have met the greatest rabbit that ever lived and have him cross my path.
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